revelation of my fear...my challenge to prayer

This morning, i thought about prayer...No i mean REAL prayer.

I've had this little book with wise sayings about prayer...read some of them and thought about how witty and all-together impressive they were.

But if i spent more time actually praying i would realise that sometimes half of the stuff i pray for, is just surface stuff.

Uni starts back in 2 weeks...I'm aiming for a first so when i get a 2:1, I'll be over the moon. But have i really prayed about it? No cause I've been too scared about not achieving and not having that prayer answered...

Then there's the matter of dorm life and roommate. To be honest i have dreaded going back to living in dorms, sharing a room with someone who could possibly turn out to be your worst nightmare...But i have not spent time praying about having a roommate who i can share God's love with cause to be honest i have not believed that it would really happen. But today it dawned on me that i should pray hard, despite the doubts and fears that i have. So God, please please please let it be someone who i can get on with, who could teach me a thing or two, who i can be friends with...

Final year means final dissertation, I'm not sure how many thousands of words it is, but i do know that it's bigger than anything i have written before. I ask you God that you will allow me to research thoroughly, read analytically, eliminate efficiently and pull together effectively...not just for the grade but to have some sense of fulfillment and purpose as i tackle this task ahead.

I've been starving for music ministry, I've been in a choir but had to give up cause it was rubbing against what i treasure most about music- the message. I'm passionate about the way that your word is made palatable in this way. I can't explain the way that i feel but i know that you will make a way for this ministry to evolve in reality.

I made myself available because I've never experienced a love like yours before. I'm still available, even though i try and run away sometimes, even when i laugh and scoff at the plans you have for my life, even when despite the things you've brought me through i still try and ditch you at the first sign of trouble-try to fix things on my own...I'm still available. Everything that you have given to me, i want to cultivate and use this year. Even when it seems awkward and uncomfortable.

This is a prayer from my heart. I've named my fear, the fear that gets in the way of my true prayer. That fear is the prospect of unanswered prayer (namely, not answering it in the way that i can understand). You've shown me my fear...not so i can live in it but so you can bring me through it. I surrender it to you in time for the new academic year. I commit my life again to you and what it is that you're shaping me into. Only you know why you still keep doing the things you do. I can't help but wonder about you and the way you pursue me- it's incredible.

So any time my heart wants to stifle a prayer request, let your Holy Spirit enable me to confess, deep down there are dreams that must be vocalized so they can be recognized...

Thanks for this revelation...