please God...life...please!!

Its Sunday and i must admit that i need some sunshine in my soul.

Proverbs 18:21 Life and death are in the power of the tongue, which one do you want, you can choose...

I know that i think life. But i speak death to myself most times. I mean last night i don't know why i was so negative..yeah i was tired and hungry and got angry but that was no reason to speak death to myself of all people. I know what i am supposed to think but sometimes the way i feel totally contradicts that.

And when they say that God is real and that you can be real; with him because he is big enough to handle your biggest question and challenge (well i said that actually)...why is it then that there seems to be more conflict when you say how you feel..To another human being it sounds like your complaining. Because let's face it but human beings really don't LOVE to hear about other people's problems (well except of course if you are getting some kind of sick pleasure or feelings of revenge from it). Cause we are selfish by nature and anything that doesn't benefit us can sometimes be a nuisance to us.

So when you really feel like having a good cry or experiencing a catharsis because the feelings you hold inside are just too much for you to keep inside any longer-- you're likely to get ignored, or labelled as a ungrateful complainer.

I don't know much really about the line between complaining and releasing your emotions, between moaning and a cry for help, between faith and doubt, between being real and faking it because you don't want to offend God or let him know that you don't appreciate what you have done in the past.

It's a sad state of affairs when your highest or most trusted confident is a human being. Its the best thing when your highest confident is God. But i guess i have been lurking in death valley too long by the things i have said and i need to speak words of life to myself....

The things is i can't do it by myself. Cause when id o it sounds fake and my ears may receive it but my heart definitely does not. So I'm looking for the words of life that really do resurrect hopes that i know i hold firmly (i just can't seem to get the conviction at this second) to put my fears in their rightful MINUSCULE place and to remind me in a vivid way of times when i have felt like this before and how i was delivered.

I wonder if other people go through this cycle, or i wonder if it is just me and my personality...Hmm i should study that personality test that i did some time back.

So my prayer to you Jesus, is that you will speak words of life into my ears and my heart once again and if i have blocked them up with my negativity- you are the only one who knows how to unblock. I ask that this cycle be experienced less frequently. The struggle of laying the foundation is frustrating but comes with moments of exhilarating joy. 

I can't ask for anything else but courage to walk along the road, for patience to breathe deeply when i want to burn the books, for faith when the bouts of spiritual amnesia begin to set in...And is this is possible...i ask that you will only allow life to reside in my tongue, in my heart and in the words that i read...

Monday 22nd May...A life-giving episode but i can't find the words to say but i know you have them just show me where to look and how to say....please, i want life right now, today cause I'm afraid that my tongue took me down to death valley last night...what more can i say?